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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24907228">reassurement</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivelostmyspectacles/pseuds/ivelostmyspectacles'>ivelostmyspectacles</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magnus Archives (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Asexuality, Canon Asexual Character, Healthy Relationships, Honesty, M/M, just these two discussing sex in a positive warm environment, wholesome content</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 01:08:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,320</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24907228</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivelostmyspectacles/pseuds/ivelostmyspectacles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do you ever miss sex?"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jonathan Sims/Martin Blackwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>348</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>reassurement</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Do you ever miss sex?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>It’s immediate, the word falling from Martin’s lips fast enough that Jon doesn’t even have time to delve deep, to prod against his secrets and all the guards he has up. He doesn’t need to reach for the compulsion to coax the answer from Martin; it’s given so freely that, in the moment, it <em> startles </em> Jon.</p><p>Yes, he’d been the one to ask. But he’d just thought… Martin had answered with such honesty… he’d thought he’d need to get through the flustered embarrassment and determined refutations just to get a straight answer with help from The Eye. And yet here they are, still curled into bed, Jon’s head resting comfortably on Martin’s shoulder, and Martin, still sprawled and relaxed beside him.</p><p>But he must look confounded, a little; it must show on his face, because Martin backtracks, tenses up a little and shifts to look at him. “I just mean… yeah, okay, sometimes,” he admits. “It’s, like, I don’t know, a fond memory? It’s… my experiences have been generally good, you know, so… so, sometimes,” Martin repeats. </p><p>He’s getting a little awkward now, tying up his tongue in ways that Jon <em> had </em> expected. So Jon passes the pad of his thumb over the back of Martin’s hand, where they’re clasped on the mattress, and tries to figure what the point of his asking had even been. Stirring up old guilt and insecurities? But not exactly that. Curiosity, always. Morbid as it might be.</p><p>“Sorry,” he says softly. Even though he hadn’t been trying to make either of them feel bad, he feels he ought to say it anyway. Not really something that weighed heavily on his mind, even now, but… reflex, maybe. Something so very impressed upon him from such a young age, the want and need for intimacy of that nature. You couldn’t escape it.</p><p>And yet, here they were, resting aimlessly in bed, wearing the most comfortable pajamas they owned, moderately tangled up without any further expectation of the night.</p><p>“No, that’s…” Martin squeezes where his arm is settled around Jon’s shoulders. “Don’t get me wrong, Jon. I… <em> yeah, </em> I might miss it, a little. But it’s, like, oh I don’t know. Having a good time, like, doing something on holiday or something. And enjoying it, but if you don’t get to experience it again, that’s okay, too.”</p><p>“You could still experience it,” Jon mutters, half expecting he’s so quiet Martin won’t hear. “Any time you’d like, really–”</p><p>But Martin does hear, laughter interrupting Jon’s backwards proposal. “If you’re talking about what I think you’re talking about, I’m <em> really </em> not able to do open relationships, Jon. They’re totally valid, but I’m… I’m bad at casual things. <em> Really </em> bad. I get attached too quickly and I’m, um… a bit easily jealous, I think.” He laughs again, sheepish this time, and this time, Jon squeezes at his hand.</p><p>He knows about Martin’s… loyalty. Christ, he thinks he <em> has </em> known for a long time, but had been too caught up in the work to really notice. It’s different now, after The Lonely, pushing into Martin’s mind with the Beholding and holding onto his hand as he led the way home. And he can feel Martin’s allegiance to him, in the way the devotion floats to him through his Sight and through the way Martin prepares his tea and brushes his hair and tugs him to bed after a day of work he wouldn’t normally sleep from, these days. And it’s so <em> achingly </em> sweet, some days, where it settles into Jon’s skin and bones and nerves, that he doesn’t even know what to do with that loyalty except fold to his knees and let Martin hold him as he falls apart.</p><p>Jon doesn’t deserve that dedication, he knows, probably as much as Martin recognizes that it can’t be healthy. But it’s too late for that. He <em> loves </em> him. They love each other. He doesn’t quite know if he knows what, precisely, being in love is supposed to feel like, but he thinks this is it.</p><p>He supposes that’s the answer to the conundrum of <em> why </em> Martin is so easily attached, so easily loyal and easily possessive over Jon, in those rushes of moments and emotion and Knowledge that thrill Jon in ways he can’t explain, either. The way Martin holds onto him tighter, or looks at him like he’s the axis of his world.</p><p>All of that, and Jon’s done… <em> nothing </em> to deserve it, he thinks. Least of all involving sex.</p><p>“So I couldn’t go to someone else for, er– y– yeah, sex,” Martin continues, pulling Jon back to the present. He finds himself grounded again, and focuses on listening. “And I don’t even want to. Maybe I miss it sometimes, and, yeah, okay, I <em> like </em> it, but I like you a lot more than I like having sex, Jon.”</p><p>Is it that simple? Jon wonders. But he’s picking up the same thing from Martin as he had been a moment ago, the thing that had stymied him so thoroughly in the first place: honesty. He barely knows what to do with that, either. It feels… nice.</p><p>“Ah. Well.” Jon fidgets, and Martin slots his fingers between Jon’s. “Um. Thank you, then, Martin,” he finishes awkwardly. </p><p>“Don’t thank me.”</p><p>“Right,” Jon says automatically; it’s an old argument, reflex, these days. To apologize for the things he can, when so much is out of his control, and to express gratitude for… what Martin says are basic things. Jon doesn’t really understand the concept of those, either.</p><p>“Do I get a question now?”</p><p>Jon settles in again, relaxing back into the blankets and Martin’s embrace. “Of course,” he grants.</p><p>“What bought that on?”</p><p>“Nothing in particular.”</p><p>“Jon.”</p><p>“A lifetime of learned expectation?” he jokes.</p><p><em> “Jon,” </em> Martin repeats, chastising, but it’s a tiny joke with a smaller smile, so Jon’s not exactly in trouble there. “I’m serious. Something make you feel bad?”</p><p>“No.” He tries to parse through it in his own head, but it’s always been confusing. Logic muddled up with emotion, and never feeling quite as deeply as he’d been led to believe he should. It had never bothered him, before Martin, and still rarely did now. But… “An occasional worry,” he admits. “But mostly I’m just curious. You’ve had more experience than me in, er, <em> that </em> department. And I know… those things are different, with me, seeing as how I’m not particularly–”</p><p>“‘Different’ isn’t a bad thing,” Martin interrupts. “I don’t want to live through Groundhog Day here, Jon. It’s bad enough we’re already stuck in this shitty dystopian world,” he mutters. “Big Brother’s always watching and all…”</p><p>It isn’t funny. Jon flicks his gaze up to Martin’s face, just as Martin looks down at him. It isn’t funny, but they both laugh, because what other options do they have these days?</p><p>“And, besides, I’ve never needed sex to be happy. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. Like, <em> yeah, </em> coming down from the fuzzy orgasm high is <em> nice, </em> but I can still do that by myself <em> and </em> know you’ll be waiting for me at the end of the day, too. So… do I miss it? Yeah, sometimes, I guess. But I’ve got <em> so </em> much more now, Jon. Dystopian novel that we’re stuck in aside, I <em> really </em> wouldn’t trade it for anything.”</p><p>For a second, Jon’s… well, he pulled to a stop again. By… all of that. Loyalty, dedication, determination. The way Martin encompasses him and warms him inside out with all of his kindness and love. Things Jon thinks he barely deserves, and he almost apologizes again– and then doesn’t.</p><p>Instead, he turns his face against Martin’s neck to hide his embarrassed smile, and says, “me neither.”</p><p>“You believe me?”</p><p>It may still stop him in his tracks, but Jon Knows there is no doubt. “I do,” he says, honest, and cuddles in, content again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I like the idea of Martin being like, yeah, I like sex, I miss it sometimes, because I think that's probably a completely valid thing for someone who's allosexual! but it doesn't at all diminish or affect his relationship with Jon because! he loves him! without sex! and he doesn't have to think about it at all! he'll choose loving Jon over sex every single time! and Jon's just "????????" about his complete and immediate response because no matter what he says, you really CAN'T shake off an entire lifetime of being told 'it's your hormones' or 'you haven't found the right one' in the blink of an eye!</p><p>
  <span class="small">
    <span class="small">I started writing this because I wanted to crank out a bit more ace fic before june got away from me. then I happened upon some (old, from a few years ago, although I know it's still out there) aphobia on tumblr and had my own moment of terrified insecurity! yay! this shit happens! sexuality is hard, fam</span>
  </span>
</p></blockquote><div class="children module" id="children">
  <b class="heading">Works inspired by this one:</b>
  <ul>
    <li>
        <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28549377">[Podfic] reassurement</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/GodOfLaundryBaskets/pseuds/GoLBPodfics">GoLBPodfics (GodOfLaundryBaskets)</a>
    </li>
  </ul>
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